So, today I attended my first AA meeting EVER! I have spoken to various alcoholics and the consensus has been that I am NOT an alcoholic by them. I think I am still unsure. I dunno. I couldn't relate to the whole drinking and not being able to stop thing. Sometimes I drink one drink and then I don't want to have an other one. I can drink like two drinks, but the third one, I dunno about that. Then sometimes I party like a Rockstar, but I have to be sure to start with like 3 shots to ensure that I will continue drinking and not take the alcohol as a nightcap.
Anyway, I went to support my man. I almost cried twice. I was so happy that there IS hope for people to stop drinking. I know I have been utterly shocked when certain people stop using. I am like, "Wow! I am so happy!" I would see people who use drugs, and feel like they are undead, like zombies walking around the earth, and I have learned to not take it personally when I see someone who is using, and they dodge me or don't say hi. I understand that it is because they don't know if they can not act drunk or high, and they don't want me to see. I learned this from being out in public drunk in Seattle.
Anywho, there is a community member who passed away. His family members are saying he died from drinking. This REALLY hits home, because I have had someone very close to me that passed away from drinking. The autopsy declared he had NO stomach.
People saying that they are in control of their drinking scares me too, because from what I have learned there are different stages of alcoholism. A couple of them you can control your drinking, but it eventually progresses to uncontrolled drinking. That is why I question whether I am an alcholic or not. I can control my drinking, heck most of the time I don't even want to drink anymore. It is a social thing, and I believe that is stage 1 of alcholism. So, today at the meeting I said, "Hi, my name is Brenda, and I'm here!" I don't know what I am supposed to say.
I have been thinking about not drinking anymore. When I evaluated my drinking today, I think that I drink to please others. People want me to party with them, and so I am like..."Okay..." I was thinking if I changed that how would I change that?
For example...maybe I could go to Seattle and hang out during the day, and then spend the evening with my daughter as well instead of going to Seattle and not bringing her at all. It is very selfish to go to Seattle without her anyway. She has things she wants to do in Seattle, and yet time is never made for that. She wants to go to the zoo, and I have been to Seattle like twice without her and never taken her to the zoo. I want to take her to the EMP.
I just don't see how not drinkig would effect my life in a bad way at all.
I have stomach problems, so what did I do? I googled what alcohol hurts my stomach less? When you google that, you get all of the GOOD advice that says, "Don't drink alcohol!" So, I thought, okay, what would an alcoholic google? I googled, "What booze would hurt my stomach less?" Tada! Milk-based drinks. It helped. I drank, I got buzzed/drunk. Was it awesome? Eh. Was it fun? Eh. Could I have had as much fun if I didn't drink? Sure.
I really think I want to stop drinking. This death has pounded in an idea that I had already thought.
It's funny. I was thinking I mostly drink to please other people. Like people who drink are going to judge me if I quit, and I still want to be a part of the cool crowd.
The end.
